just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Randomize
