I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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