I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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