Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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