I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
