i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
