Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Pants are for mortals
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
