I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
