I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize