I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
