i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
