Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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