What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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