Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
