Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
How drunk are you?
Completed.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
