Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
