Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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