Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
