I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
