I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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