I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
