Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
