the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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