is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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