I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
