I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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