I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize