my phone needs a breathalizer
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
