Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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