I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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