They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
