If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
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