The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
