we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
