so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
