She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
