My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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