dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My bed smells like the plague
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
