Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
