i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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