I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize