Ambien. No doubt about it.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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