shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
