Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
