So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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