my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
