Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
