You really coming over, don't trick.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
