Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
that may or may not have been my penis.
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