the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
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