Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
