giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
