proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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