in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
