You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
