You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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